The crack police

10 Apr

Call it what you will – intergluteal cleft, vertical gluteal crease, bicycle park, builder’s bum – we’ve all got one: a bum crack (or butt or ass crack, if you will). There isn’t a pleasant name for it. As a meeting point for the buttocks, it doesn’t have a specific purpose other than perhaps as a quasi pair of velvet curtains to drape the least pleasant exit point in our body. Such is the personal nature of the bum crack, we tend to keep them covered up. Even the skimpiest of thongs gives a nod to the sanctity of the bum crack.

Of course bum cracks do occasionally make a bid for freedom and unless the offending crack is hairy and sweaty this generally raises a giggle rather than disgust. I assumed this was a universal reaction. On a recent trip to the US, however, I was amazed to discover the existence of what I can only call the Crack Police. Upon arriving at one of the Disney parks, poor Mr C&P was taken aside by a security guard:

“Excuse me sir, but I … errr … thought I should … errr … let you know that you are showing your … errr …crack. You might want to … you know … just in case … you know.”

He was obviously embarrassed but clearly not embarrassed enough to stop him pulling someone aside and having a serious word. Is showing your bum crack down there in the Disney Rulebook alongside not taking Mickey’s name in vain and not mentioning Donald’s speech impediment? And “just in case” of what? The mind boggles.

An amusing one-off? Well, no. It seems there is something in the American psyche that finds bum cracks enormously troublesome. A few days after the above incident, Mr C&P was carrying our daughter on his shoulders when we heard quickening footsteps behind us. I turned to see an elderly lady signalling to us and I expected her to be clutching a dropped hat or toy. But, no, she was an undercover officer from the Crack Police:

“Your little girl is showing her bum crack. I wanted to tell you just in case people … you know …”

Just in case of what??! In case 1 cm of her crack ends up in a photo on a dodgy hard drive? Hell’s bells – some perspective please! Just as Mr C&P was made to feel like a wannabe flasher, I somehow felt a bad mother. My daughter should be wearing industrial trousers pulled up under her armpits and fastened with a padlock. I’d not packed these – I’d only packed skimpy summer stuff for the baking heat. Bad BAD mother.

Florida is one of the most conservative states in the US. Topless sunbathing is illegal so maybe showing an inch of crack is perceived to be the start of a slippery slope to whipping your boobs out in the local 7-Eleven. If anyone can shed any light on this ‘interesting cultural difference’ that would be cracking.

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8 Responses to “The crack police”

  1. jae April 10, 2012 at 1:42 pm #

    People tell me my crack is hanging out all the time LOL its so embarassing but I never realise! I don’t sag or anything like that, but I have a long waist and like weird hips so my pants just don’t stay up LOL. I honestly can’t feel if my crack is hanging out, its like that area is numb or something LOL. :/ I also have really bad HBCS (High Butt Crack Syndrome) 😛 I’m quite skinny and whatever I try, long shirts, belts etc, my crack still shows :/

    I’m not fat or hairy, I’m kinda tanned actually which makes it a little bit better? everyones seen it now lmao, i dont even care anymore haha

    • Crumbs & Pegs April 10, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

      You can start the movement for showing it loud and proud!

      • jae April 11, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

        LOLLL! Mr C&P can be my first in charge! 😛

  2. Muddling Along April 10, 2012 at 2:25 pm #

    Oh dear – don’t think Bigger would get on there terribly well, at best her knickers tend to be at half mast (especially if she has tights on – we need to buy a bigger size) and the rest of the time she’s taken them off becaues they are inconvenient…

    • Crumbs & Pegs April 10, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

      Ah, yes, the tights effect! We have the same issue. My daughter that is, not my husband …. Thanks for comment 🙂

  3. actuallymummy April 14, 2012 at 6:40 am #

    Awesomely well-written! (God I sound like a spammer don’t I).
    Seemingly it is only ok to drop your jeans if you are wearing Calvin Klein pants underneath. Then it’s ok to have your crotch between your knees!

    • Crumbs & Pegs April 14, 2012 at 7:00 am #

      Thanks! Clearly my husband’s M&S pants don’t cut the mustard. He’s gotta get more down with the kids.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Quite frankly I’m a bit pooped « Crumbs and Pegs - September 28, 2012

    […] for a run’. When I say fresh, I mean fresh – I’m slightly moist and clammy and my intergluteal cleft will be leaving a damp patch on the chair. This wasn’t just any old run though. It was my […]

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