Beach holidays: the Ten Commandments

23 Apr

Thailand beach

Beach holidays. A time for peaceful reflection and wiling away pleasurable hours on sandy shores. Loosened from the binds of the drudgery of your normal life. Free as a bird. Or so you might think. In reality there are rules to be adhered to, boundaries that must not be crossed. For those of you thinking about your summer holidays, here’s a helpful guide to save you from any transgressions*:

* Of course, these bear no connection at all to my own experiences. Hell no. Absolutely not.

  1. Thou shalt not buy a swimsuit a size larger than you need and then wonder why the tummy control panel has no effect.
  2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven photograph that thou shalt then upload to Facebook giving two fingers to thy neighbours back home. Shew mercy unto the thousands of them that are confined to greyer skies.
  3. Remember the breakfast buffet, to keep it holy; for fellow guests shalt not hesitate to consume it before you get there. For in two hours the kitchen made the buffet, and rested the third hour wherefore a fat Australian ate it all.
  4. Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s finely honed bikini body, nor her ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.
  5. Thou shalt not wonder why you were so worried what you would look like in a bikini.
  6. Thou shalt not tell your child that you have seen a venomous sea creature for they shalt not go in the sea again.
  7. Thou shalt not be impressed by thy neighbours who clearly think a jetski is a penis extension.
  8. Thou shalt not get sunburnt on the first day. Thou shalt be able to wear a bra; thou shalt not apply a whole tub of your children’s Sudocrem; and thou shalt not get stuck to the bed sheets.
  9. Thou shalt be the best at aqua aerobics because thou shalt have a 3-year-old clinging to your back for the whole class. Hallowed is supposed ‘me-time’.

And, most importantly:

10. Thou shalt not curse the vile cocktail of sand, suncream and sweat and vow never to return to a beach again.

 

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