Tag Archives: reality tv

ITVBeing just a little bit patronising

14 Feb

Pink TV

I interrupt this broadcast with important news for all women out there. Are you fed up with watching dull documentaries about history that are just so last season? Bored of that Professor Cox who claims he was once a pop star but never seems to be in any of your issues of Closer? Television can be so tedious can’t it? All too often it goes a little bit above your head and deals with issues that quite frankly aren’t worth busting a nail over. Well fret no longer women of Britain with your tiny brains: ITV is launching a channel just for you.

I often have to check the date to see if it’s April 1st. This was one such occasion. But it turns out that ITV really are tuning into exactly what women want. Men have been trying to figure this out for years and ITV seem to have cracked it once and for all. ITV say ITVBe will focus on entertainment and “reality and non-scripted shows” which are, according to ITV bod Peter Fincham, “very popular with young women and housewives with kids”.  That’ll be the two most vacuous sections of society then Mr Fincham? The latter certainly has plenty of time to put their feet up and consume meaningless drivel. I wouldn’t dare suggest that ITV are having any hand in perpetuating the myth that being a stay-at-home parent is a hobby and not a bloody hard job.

Hold on though. I say stay-at-home ‘parent’ but a stay-at-home dad would obviously be watching ITV4 “which aims to attract a predominantly male audience with its ‘cult’ classics and sports coverage”. ITV4’s Twitter profile describes it as “the channel for real fans”. Men can cope with that little bit more substance. There may be a fine line (certainly in my eyes) between a football pundit and an oranged-up cheeky chappy from TOWIE but men’s brains are clearly capable of better focus (at least for 90 minutes). Leave the shallow and the wishy-washy for the shriveled brains of us poor women.

And then there’s the name of the channel: ITVBe. It wisely implies that women should just be themselves. Really, you don’t have to pretend to enjoy Mastermind anymore. Just relax and stop aiming above your station by trying to absorb any meaningful information – stick with TOWIE. After all, you’re not capable of handling anything deeper than a layer of Shellac. When you can accept that, you will achieve peace with yourself and just BE.

Yours angrily, The Colonel

31 May

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) this week celebrates its 50th birthday. To mark the occasion, it has released a list of the most complained about adverts in the last 50 years. It’s an interesting list, not least because it gives an insight into what most irks Middle England and prompts it – accompanied by much huffing and puffing – to pick up a pen or write an email to a body such as the ASA.

Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Not forgetting violence of course. These are the themes you would expect to send seismic rumblings under the feet of the nation, causing china to tinkle and audible gasps to be heard from church halls. So what was top of the list of most complained about adverts? Was it naked, vajazzled women watching men having sex whilst throwing cats into wheelie bins (the women not the men) all to advertise cat food? No. Think of something truly morally reprehensible. That’s right, it was the Kentucky Fried Chicken advert that DARED to show people … wait for it … singing with their mouths full.

You’ve fallen off your chair, right?

Yes, it really is a shocker. Stop the clocks, etc. According to those who complained (a record 1,671 people), the advert set a bad example to children. Hell’s bells! I can think of plenty of properly bad examples that no one gets their knickers in a twist about. Just put together a collage of celebrities’ and politicians’ photos, close your eyes and stick a pin in it. Bingo!

So this is where the nation’s moral compass settles. We’re happy to watch public humiliation on reality TV, people been pulled from car wrecks (real or and somewhere down the road from Holby City) and flipping Eastenders but not a bit of chewed up chicken in someone’s mouth.

The people who complained must be parents. (Scary how becoming a parent can suddenly make you conservative to boot). What does this say about their parenting? Well, that’s 1,671 people who should have sat down with their kids and explained that whilst the advert was very funny (they would obviously have to lie about their feelings here) it’s actually not very nice to talk with your mouthful. Basic Guide to Table Manners Talk done. Instead, I expect they taught their children that switching off the telly in a strop, thumping about angrily with steam billowing out of your ears as you compose your complaint against moral decay is a perfectly acceptable way to behave.

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