Buying for baby: the ultimate (short)list

Apologies to anyone visiting the blog expecting my usual mix of wit (snigger), intellectual banter (guffaw) and insightful opinion (falls off chair laughing). What you will find instead is a list that includes things that you do with your boobs and stuff you pop in your pants. Still here? Well then you must be a parent-to-be.

Over two pregnancies I’ve honed a list of what (I think) should be on every new parent’s shopping list, including what you should pack in the god-like object that is your hospital bag. I’ve cut the crap (you’ll have plenty of that when the tiny pooping machine arrives and who needs a top and tail bowl anyway) leaving what should near-as-damned be the ultimate, honed list of what you really need to buy before a baby arrives. I’d love to say this is a definitive list but babies leave your brain addled and it’s about personal choice (of course) so please do comment, suggest, criticise and share and help this baby continue to grow.

Nursery
Toys / baby gym	;
Bouncy chair	x1
Mobile for cot	x1
Moses basket & stand	x1
Bath (but don’t bother with a top and tail bowl – really, who uses them?)	x1
Changing mat	x1
Cot (or cot bed if you’re prone to planning ahead)	x1
Monitor	x1
Thermometer (for room temperature)	x1
Dummies	x2
Travel
Buggy	x1 (but you may end up trying a few in your time)
Pram blankets and sheets	x2
Sling/carrier	x1
Sun shades for car windows	x2
Car seat (you won’t get out the hospital without it!)	x1
Feeding/Changing Note, this allows for bottle or breastfeeding (you can plan this one as much as you like but better be prepared for either/both I say)
Nappy bags	;
Nursing bras	x2+
Breast pads (Lansinoh disposable pads are the best – other brands are available to course but in my experience none are as leak-proof)	Boxes of the b*ggers if you end up breastfeeding
Breast pump (electric)	x1
Bottles	x6 to 8
Teats (slow and med)	x6 to 8
Bottle brush	x1
Steriliser (electric better than microwave)	x1
Changing bag	x1
Small insulated bottle bag	x1
Bottle/food warmer	x1
Bedding – cot	;
Fitted bottom sheets	x3
Flat top sheets	x3
Blankets	x3
Bedding – moses basket
Fitted bottom sheets	x3
Pram blankets	x3
Linen – other
Muslins (preferably not white – they’ll end up grey)	Lots!
Bath towels	x2
Flannels/mitts	x2
Clothes
0-3 months (or newborn but 0-3 allows for whoppers)
Vests (bodysuits/short sleeves)	x6 to 8
Sleeping bag (1 or 2.5 tog depending on time of year – NB only suitable for babies when over a certain weight)	x2
Sleepsuits	x6
Day outfits (eg b-gros, dungarees, t-shirts)	Oh, never too many and these will come in gift form so don’t go wild before the baby arrives
Cardigans	x2 to 3 (you may not need to buy if granny has been knitting …)
Socks	x2 to 3 pairs
Mittens	x2 pairs (ditto above re granny)
Shawl	x2
Hats	x2
Jacket (warmer)	x1
Bibs	x10
Toiletries etc
Baby bubble bath – don’t need to start with but add to stock	;
Baby nail clippers and scissors	;
Sudocrem (for bums and all else)	;
Metanium cream (for bad nappy rash)	;
Cotton wool balls	;
Wet wipes (we used ‘sensitive’ wipes – wipes not always recommended for newborns)	;
Baby lotion	;
Talc	;
Hairbrush	;
Cotton buds	;
Nipple cream – Lansinoh is the must-have! Other brands available but don’t bother looking in Ann Summers …	;
Infacol (worth having in case of colic)	;
Digital thermometer for taking baby’s temp	;
Calpol (NB can’t use until 3 months + but have it ready)	;
Hospital bag
FOR YOU	;
Maternity notes!	;
Water spray/mist	;
Socks and/or slippers and/or flip flops	1 pair
Dressing gown	;
Nursing bras	x2
Breast pads	Quite a few!
Shower gel, deodorant, make-up, nipple cream etc	;
Arnica tablets (start taking as soon as you’ve had the baby – eases bruising to your bits!!)	;
Glucose sweets, eg Lucozade sweets	;
Phone charger	;
Something to read	;
Money	;
Snacks – eg cereal bars, bananas	;
Big bottle of water and small cartons of orange juice	;
Maternity pads (these will take up half your bag!)	Large packet
Old cotton pants – don’t bother with the disposable paper pants as they’re undignified and unpleasant!	x5
Button through nightdress	x2
Change of clothes to go home in	;
FOR BABY	;
Newborn nappies	Small pack
Teddy (don’t do what I did for my first child and take the teddy out of the bag to make way for more of my own stuff. Selfless, eh?)	;
Sudocrem	;
Wet wipes	1 pack
Sleepsuits	x4
Cardigans	x2
Hats	x2
Scratch mitts	2 pairs
Shawl/blanket	x1
Going home outfit (what you’d like your baby to first meet the outside world in although the paparazzi are unlikely to be waiting outside)	x1
Warm outer clothes depending on time of year	;
Muslins	x6

;

London to Paris for 56DD return

It’s good to know we’re in the 21^st century. An era where we’ve learnt to be respectful of individuals, what they are and who they want to be. Where exploitation is not tolerated and men and women stand shoulder to shoulder – equal. Isn’t that right Eurostar? I see you nodding. THEN WHAT’S WITH THE BOOBS IN YOUR LATEST AD CAMPAIGN?

(Apologies all for the poor quality of the photo. It was taken on a train – me, a sole woman in a carriage full of men, trying to take a photo of some woman’s breasts without anyone noticing. People have been thrown off trains for such offences.)

Eurostar have recently launched a campaign (I admit, a cleverish one) which, as their press release states, “From cricket to the Little Black Dress, … highlights things that are considered to be iconically British but which actually originated in France or Belgium.” You’d be forgiven for thinking that the advert featured here therefore suggests that breasts originated in France. In fact, the reference point is the bra but, let’s be honest, who noticed the bra with those fellas vying for your attention?

And so in the 21^st century where on one hand we’re worrying about why there aren’t more women in top jobs, on the other we’re still using near-naked babes to sell products. I should change that to read near-naked boobs, after all the woman around them clearly isn’t all that important. We don’t see her head (what’s the point, there’s probably nothing in it anyway) or the rest of her body (so we’ll never know if she’s actually carrying a briefcase and is simply in the process of getting dressed for her job as CEO of a FTSE 100 company, snapped accidentally by her stay-at-home-dad husband who is getting ready for the school run).

Ah, the humble breast. There are few topics that can excite such debate. Should we keep them in? Should we get them out? (Perhaps keep one in and one out at all times to cover any social situation. This should give you plenty of time to assess the tone of the room and be half ready either way.) If women get them out to breastfeed in public they run the risk of upsetting the bloke on the next table even though they’re doing the most natural thing in the world (what breasts were made for). That same bloke will turn back to his table in disgust, flip open his newspaper at page 3 and ogle the bums and tits unashamedly.

As a society (cue broad sweeping statement), we’re obsessed with boobs as sexual beasts. Arguably, this can be empowering for women. I tell you what though, if the only way I can truly feel and be powerful is by being objectified into one huge boob then I’d rather my chest was as flat as a pancake. I don’t imagine that Hilary Devey’s current television series Women at the Top is going to conclude that women bring something different to the boardroom and that that something different is simply their breasts.

A boob for women’s lib?

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned women’s lib? Those long-gone days when plucky women threw themselves onto race courses and burnt their bras. Bravery and dignity. The liberation of Mrs Smith from the kitchen sink used to be momentous – the arrival of the contraceptive pill, labour-saving devices such as the washing machine, and equal pay (of course the latter is unfortunately yet to be translated into reality but that’s another story).

In 2011, the right of women to be recognised as individuals rather than objects and how that is conveyed to the apparently misogynistic wider public has turned itself upside down. The BBC recently reported on a competition on a radio show in New Zealand that offered the chance to ‘win’ a Ukrainian wife. (In reality it was more of a plush date where the winner got a 12-day trip to the Ukraine and his pick of a Ukrainian lovely from a dating website – no guarantees of NZ visa to the lucky lady of course.) The competition caused quite a furore amongst feminists in the Ukraine. (Really, haven’t they seen Take Me Out? A TV show truly demeaning to both sexes – quite a feat. Funny though.) The BBC summarises so neatly what struck me most about the story:

Nine women protested topless outside Kiev’s marriage registration office, holding banners with slogans such as ‘Ukraine is not a brothel’.

Very good point, the Ukraine is indeed not a brothel. And good for them for taking a stand and making a point, erm, points (I expect it’s chilly in the Ukraine this time of year). But, hold on, they were topless? They’re not happy for one woman to get the chance of a hot date with a Kiwi but they are happy to wave their baps at the world in a display that Hugh Hefner would find more than mildly pleasing?

Femen – the Ukrainian organisation behind the protest – claim that the only way for them to get noticed in the media and the wider world is to stage such naked protests. No, really? Try telling that to the suffragette movement who seemed quite content to keep their knockers under wraps and achieved far more than a half page on BBC News Online. The stated objective of Femen is to “To develop leadership, intellectual and moral qualities of the young women in Ukraine”. Using her body may be empowering for a woman (so goes the argument for Nuts, FHM, Page 3, etc etc) but this somehow jars with Femen’s lofty objective. I should imagine that baring your boobs in the outside air actually causes the blood to rush away from your brain and thus depletes your capacity to exercise your ‘intellectual and moral qualities’. Call me old-fashioned by I’m all for keeping boobs in bras in public, albeit charred bras. I await Radio 4’s competition to win Germaine Greer.